Where I've Been || Mental Health

Monday, October 10, 2016

This post is one of the hardest things I have ever had to write. I have been absent from social media because I have been getting to grips with an illness that I have battled on my own for far too long. A few weeks back my life was turned upside down, with no cause, no change, no reason for it. What I'm suffering from is hard to come to terms with, worse yet its hard to talk about. You don't want to show weakness or that your suffering. Not knowing how people will react or what they will say is the biggest reason I have never talk about it. I suffer from Severe Chronic Depression. It is something that I have lived with for years, un-diagnosed and untreated. This post is going to be hard to read for some, a shock for most and my "coming out" story.

(Ever cloud has a silver lining)
My first step to talking about the way I felt was messaging the Samaritans. It seems strange to think about talking to them, but it actually helped. It gave me a way of releasing my voice, with my mind falling apart, I had someone I could talk to with out fear of judgement. After a few messages it was suggested I should talk to my GP. This is a huge step, talking to a stranger is one thing, talking to your GP in person is another. But, despite my worries I took the plunge and booked an appointment. The biggest fear when talking about depression is having to discuss the deep thoughts. Talking about suicide and hurting yourself is incredibly hard. It's the one thing I never wanted anyone to know. To feel those thoughts and feelings is hard and to admit them is even harder. We can hide behind smiles, but it will always be there just under the surface.

(You don't know what's hiding under the surface)

After talking to my GP it was decided that I go on Antidepressants. This is a very unknown thing for most. Thoughts of not feeling anything, being on them for life and feeling worse does come to mind. But at this stage I am willing to try anything to get me back to normal. Normal, that's a strange saying, as I will never be normal. These thoughts will always be there, the scars fade but those feeling stick with you. Nothing will ever be normal, but it's that acceptance that can start the process to normality. Today, I have been taking the pills for 2 weeks. Personally I haven't felt any different, I still cry a lot and feel low a lot. The side effects don't really affect me to much, one day I had insomnia and occasionally stomach cramps. But, I was told it will take time for the pills to do their thing.

During this time, I have told my university, which has given me the opportunity for counselling and help with dealing with my depression. But the biggest and hardest thing was telling my parents. I never wanted to tell them, I didn't want them to be upset or think that all of this was their fault. It is so easy to hide behind a smile then it is to admit you need help. My parents took it well in all honesty, most of the stress was thinking they wouldn't understand. I know I am loved and that they will be there for me, it's just telling them the one thing that I find it hard to admit.

(Talking is freeing, remembering the happy times)

So...I have depression, and that's ok. But please don't see me as depression, see me as Jess. I am still the same person I was before, I just now admit my real feelings. I don't want pity, I'm stronger than I may seem. Hiding this for years is one of the toughest things you can do, so I can survive. Please don't worry that I will do something silly. I have before and regret it every time, but please don't feel that I will do it all the time. Please don't stop me doing things, out of fear for me, and please don't avoid me. I am trying to talk about my feelings and issues more, and will be happy to talk about it. Just don't avoid me in fear that you will upset me, talking about it is freeing and makes the process easier.

(This is me, not depression)

There are so many people out there that are suffering in silence. I was one of them and it took me a very long time to speak out about my problem. People in my life have told me they knew something was wrong but didn't want to talk to me about it. So, I want to tell you all something...just ask. You may be helping us out of a very dark place just by asking. It's hard to admit when there is something wrong, but you are not alone. Nothing is wrong with you, you just have an illness that needs treatment. When the world seems dark, know that you are loved and there are people here for you when you need them.

Stay Gorgeous
XOXOX

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2 comments

  1. Well done for taking that step and for talking about it. They say talking helps and I think it really does... writing it down does too. Thank you for sharing this post, it couldn't be easy to write, but I'm sure it will help others out there. Take care and look out for yourself :)

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  2. So proud of you for sharing this! Way to take care of yourself and get the help you needed. You'll always be Jess because your depression doesn't define you. You obviously have a great support system since you know you're parents understand and love you even after telling them. It's great that your fears about them didn't come true. Keeping being you and take care of yourself! (:

    Single Vegas Girl
    http://singlevegasgirl.blogspot.com

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